The Mad Zodiac

I dislike when people post their spammy junk email chain letters on their blog lol. It’s not usually accurate or cool to read and those things circulate so much that’s its silly and redundant. But this came to me today and I really thought it was cute… so here I go being a loser and posting my spammy junk email chain letter.

(from Mad Magazine’s “Mad for Better or Verse” by Frank Jacobs)

Aries the Ram
(Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)

Kazowee! Smash! Bang! Biff! and Bam!
No wonder Aries is the ram!
The only way his ego thrives
Is butting in our private lives;
We bolt our doors, but we can’t win -
The Aries pounds till he gets in;
And once he’s entered, have no doubt,
an atom bomb can’t get him out.

Taurus the Bull
(Apr. 20 - May 20)

When there’s a party you can’t stand,
You’ll find a Taurus right on hand
Offending crowds of helpless folks
With ancient, dull and endless jokes;
To make things worse for one and all,
The punch lines he cannot recall;
Few things upon this earth can bore us
Like the bull of some old Taurus!

Gemini the Twins
(May 21 - June 21)

A Gemini is kind and mean,
refined and rotten, foul and clean;
In other words, we must confess,
He’s just a schizophrenic mess;
But though he’s filled with peace and strife,
He tries to live a normal life;
He’ll make a faithful friend and mate -
Well, half of him, at any rate!

Cancer the Crab
(June 22 - July 22)

It takes most people quite a spell
To know a crab-like Cancer well;
And when they do, we must confide,
They’re often sorry that they tried;
But though his outlook’s gray and grim,
It pays to be a friend to him;
If so, you’ll see his spirits zoom
From deep depression up to gloom!

Leo the Lion
(July 23 - Aug. 22)

A Leo comes on with a roar,
And when he’s through, he roars some more;
He does this so we’ll plainly see
That in his world, there’s one boss - he!
He’s glad to share your point of view
As long as it is his view, too;
If you should cross him, have no fear -
The welts will fade within a year!

Virgo the Virgin
(Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

A Virgo will not hesitate
To tell you that you’re second-rate;
For exercise he strains his wits
At finding faults and picking nits;
At night he murmurs soft and clear,
“I love you so, my precious dear;”
We know his sentiments are true,
For it’s himself he’s talking to!

Libra the Scales
(Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

From just a brief, initial look,
A Libra seems a hopeless schnook;
At second glance we soon detect
Our first impression was correct;
His house is filled with friends who mooch,
Who borrow cash, who drink his hooch;
Let’s hope his giving never ends;
We’d hate to see him without his friends!

Scorpio the Scorpion
(Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

If you should see a Scorpio,
Then, goodness gracious, say hello!
For if his presence you ignore
He’ll soon declare a private war;
However, if you’re over-nice,
You’ll pay an even bigger price;
For once he says your friend he’ll be,
You’ll never need an enemy!

Sagittarius the Archer
(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

A Sagittarius, you’ll find,
Will say whatever’s on his mind;
From what he says, we must conclude
What’s on his mind is pretty crude’
He’s right at home in drunken brawls,
In street-gang fights and free-for-alls;
He wishes he could get a job,
But who can use a one-man mob?

Capricorn the Goat
(Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

A Capricorn’s a hapless goat
Who always seems to miss the boat;
The shirts he washes end up shrunk;
He buys a car; it turns to junk;
His life’s a roll of endless craps
That even fouls up other chaps;
Because of his unlucky sign,
I couldn’t make this last line rhyme!

Aquarius the Water-Bearer
(Jan. 20 - Feb. 1

There’s little reason to discuss
The fuzzy-brained Aquarius;
His mind is in the stratosphere,
The rest of him is barely here;
Psychiatrists throw up their hands
And mutter things about his glands;
In truth his problem is clear-cut:
He’s just a happy, harmless nut!

Pisces the Fish
(Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)

The ardent Pisces loves to feel
He’s one big mass of sex appeal;
You’d think by now that he would see
The girls who date him don’t agree;
But though he falls flat on his face,
He simply can’t give up the chase;
No wonder life’s a string of crises
For the luckless, love-sick Pisces!