Astrology Jokes and Humor
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How the Twelve Signs Deal with Near Death
Experiences:
ARIES: "Who's in charge here? I'd like
to see God right now, please. Am I dead?
Gee, I never thought that could happen to
me! Where can I get a crystal palace backlit
with white light like that one?"
TAURUS: Leaving the body, Taurus realizes
that he or she no longer has a stomach and
immediately returns to the body (thud!),
without seeing tunnels, light, God, etc.,
making Taurus skeptical for the rest of his
or her life.
GEMINI: The key thing to the zodiacal twins
isn't the experience itself, but how they
can embellish it when telling the story (or
writing about it). Since Geminis are comfortable
in all worlds, except those without telephones,
they usually bounce back to the body fairly
rapidly-- and the mouth tends to work before
the rest of the body comes back to life.
CANCER: Cancerians can live to be 125 years
old, and they don't usually have near death
experiences, but they can come awfully close
to having a near life experience when they
get brave and venture out of their house
for "supplies."
LEO: "Nooooooo, I am NOT dead. I am
not, I am not, I am not . . . Who are those
guys in the white robes? What's that they're
singing . . . ? They're off key. I can sing
better than that! Where's the choir director?
I need a microphone immediately. Unless it's
Rolling Stone or Spin, hold my calls."
VIRGO: Working a marathon 60 hours straight,
Virgo collapses and leaves the body. She
moves through that delightfully clean and
sparkling tunnel of light, occasionally reflecting
upon possible improvements . . . but soon
becomes so worried by the thought of her
loved ones "managing" without her
that she snaps back into the body like white
lightning, sits up, and calmly pronounces
herself alive, glancing at her watch.
LIBRA: Floating out of the body, then in,
then out, then in, and finally out again
. . . Libra sees a tunnel and a vibrant being
of light at the other end. "Wow, is
that Jesus? Wait a minute, maybe it's Kwan
Yin. That looks like something she'd wear."
Never deciding whether to go through the
tunnel (after all, what's death without someone
to share it with?) Libra ends up back in
the body by default, hounded by a mysterious
compulsion to start a dating service for
discarnate souls.
SCORPIO: Since most Scorpios have nine lives,
they tend to brainstorm different ways to
trigger the near death experience. Once nearly
dead, most can barely get to the end of the
tunnel without meeting some being with whom
they have astral sex. When asked whom they
prefer to greet them on the other side, 75%
name a favorite vampire, and Medusa is a
strong contender.
SAGITTARIUS: Sag floats out of her body and
has to laugh at the stupid way she bought
the farm. After somehow BREAKING the tunnel
of light, she absolutely refuses to return
to the body, since she's been trying to get
out of it for all these years (via clumsy
accidents). Because Sag is immensely curious
about whether the so-called organized religious
have any validity at all, this stroke of
luck leads to some amaaaaaazing lessons,
until, alas, the astral folks tire of her
and trick her into returning to Earth for
the duration.
CAPRICORN: It might take Capricorn a little
while to realize he's dead because there
are special rooms set up to look like executive
offices for newly-dead Goats. A sharp-looking,
older gentleman-ghost comes in and gives
Cap an instruction manual titled HOW TO PROFIT
IN THE ASTRAL MARKETPLACE, plus a "job
evaluation" type assessment of Cap's
achievements and mistakes over the lifetime,
followed by a pink slip (meaning the body
revived). Caps tend to return to their bodies
quickly, unable to tolerate non-physical
existence for long.
AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates,
sees that heaven isn't run by consensus,
and opts for hell, where at least there is
an appealing anarchy and rules are made to
be broken. Ironically, Aquarian near-death
experiences tend to be extremely traditional,
i.e., God the Father, St. Peter, the celestial
choir and so on (another reason to rebel
and opt for hell). Once in the underworld,
they bedevil the hell out of Satan and his
cronies with their loud and vigorous campaigns
for progressive reforms, and are quickly
expelled back to the body.
PISCES: For some reason, our Piscean friends
barely notice their near death experiences.
Instead, during a typical day at the office,
many Pisceans report seeing beings with long-suffering
expressions on their faces and who patiently
tell the Piscean to go back to his or her
body.
How Many Members of Your Sign Does It Take to Change a Lightbulb?
ARIES: Just one. Wanna make something of
it?
TAURUS: Well, I prefer natural light if at
all possible. Are you absolutely positive
that lightbulb is burned out? I hate to throw
it away if it still might be useful.
GEMINI: Probably one is best, because if
there are more than one, they'll get so wrapped
up in talking to each other that they'll
forget all about the lightbulb.
CANCER: Only one, but three therapists will
be needed to help with the grieving process.
OR: Only one, as long as his mommy holds
his hand.
LEO: Leos do not change their own lightbulbs.
They find someone else to do it for them.
VIRGO: 1.11111119873, give or take .00000000000013%.
LIBRA: Well, I could do it, unless of course
you'd prefer to do it, but you look sort
of busy right now. What do you want to do?
SCORPIO: One, from across the room, if they've
learned their teleporting lessons well enough.
OR, thanks to one of our website visitors:
None, because Scorpios aren't afraid of the
dark.
SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day
is young, we've got the rest of our lives
ahead of us and you're worrying about a stupid
light bulb?
CAPRICORN: I don't have time for these foolish
jokes.
AQUARIUS: Well, you see, energy is really
matter and matter is really energy and light
is a form of energy but the light bulb is
matter, and--
PISCES: What light bulb?
After Sex Comments by Sun Sign:
Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call
you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our
clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name
was again?"
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